We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Drake has all the answers
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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