i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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