I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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