Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
