i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
