i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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