i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
