Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize