He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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