My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
