why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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