Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
