you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Actions speak louder than pants.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
