the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
