If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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