I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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