Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
