i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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