Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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