god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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