she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
