Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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