Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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