Your mouth is God's brothel.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
