we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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