I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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