omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
