That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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