Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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