Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
