My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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