Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
