so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
