i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
