sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
