The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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