a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
