He asked to "fluff my boner.."
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
