I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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