Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
