his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
