they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
