So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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