On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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