cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
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