So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
