I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
