and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
