I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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