Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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