Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
