He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
