Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
