so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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