my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
