My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize