Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
