Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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