So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Randomize
