What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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