his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
