Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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