mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
