Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my sisters under your porch take her home
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
