Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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