Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
