yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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