I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
